this is a draft that i had saved in my gmail, not sure really of what to do with it.  stephen the wine guy at django (prima says he’s gone now) had recommended this book called “the piano tuner” to me one day when we got to discussing books.

i had a powerful dream last night. i think it has to do with reading “the piano tuner”, a book that has everything to do with dreams and discovery and loss. i wish i had put this to paper earlier and i don’t know if i will be able to now. i know there were 2 central characters, one was like the character of the surgeon-major in the book, a strong commanding righteous personality, the other was mohammed, the barback, who is always smiling and always asks me, “how are you doing?”. the dream involves a card, maybe a christmas card. (yes mohammed is muslim, but so what?) mohammed had bought a sort of generic christmas card and wanted to send it to someone unfortunate, someone who really needed to receive a christmas card, like an orphan or a homeless person. something happens to the card before he gets to send it, like maybe it gets trampled by an elephant or peed on by a dog or something. mohammed doesn’t know what to do and he despairs. there is a song of despair that is described in “the piano tuner”. it plays for a while, keening and wailing. then the strong character appears and he sees the state that mohammed is in. he delivers a christmas card to mohammed (it is the same card that mohammed had) sent by a sue timmons (the name is very clear in my memory) from colorado (not too sure about this). at some point not long after that, i wake up and i can’t stop crying for something like 10 minutes. seriously. i don’t know where it came from. i was afraid that i’d lost the capacity to cry- i hadn’t really, since charlotte. apparently i am still human.

A food vendor, he looks to be in his fifties, beckons me over to his cart and hands me a small plate of chickpeas and onions in a yogurt sauce. Not wishing to offend, though I’m nearly bursting at the seams, I take it and enjoy, shoveling bits of it into my mouth with my right hand. It’s pretty good stuff and I finish it and wipe my hands clean with a napkin. I’m fishing out a few of my newly changed rupees but the man wags his head at me. Smiling, he hands me a cigarette and manages to communicate to me, though he speaks no English, that he welcomes me to Pakistan, that he won’t take my money, and that we wishes me a good journey in his country. It is the first of many kindnesses that would be extended to me in this harsh but beautiful land.

Then suddenly, time thaws out, melting, dissipating away.  Torrents of time rush by in a blur and it’s impossible to pick out moments or to slow it down.  Before you know it, it’s already time to bagdrag again.  I’m leaving this place in less than 3 weeks.  I feel like I’m flying through thick clouds and any minute I’m going to be dropped out of the sky onto a big patch of lush green grass in Christchurch’s botanical garden.  The air there is moist and smells of topsoil and I can’t stop smiling.  Everything will feel new again.

This twisted perception of time happens every time I’ve come down here.  Time drags to a standstill, lulls you off guard, waits until you’ve gotten perfectly comfortable, then sneaks up and clubs you over the head.  People start talking about their travel plans or the jobs they’re trying to line up off the Ice.  McMurdo is chock full of interesting people.  There are a few old-timers, people who have done this for years and years.  Everyone’s a transient though.  Plans are always being hatched down here.  People do seasons down here then head up to Alaska or one of the National Parks.  Some people end up in Iraq or Afghanistan after they’ve had a taste of contract work.   Others decide it’s time to go back to school.  It’s a good place for people to be when they’re not sure where in the world they really belong.  It’s a place that gives you the time and space to think about your next big move.  Three years in though, and I’m still trying to figure mine out.

Creme brulee uses all cream and all egg yolks.  It doesn’t get any richer than creme brulee.  The name means “burnt cream” in French, referring to the crispy caramelized sugar layer on top.  I like to burn two layer of sugar in order to make a more substantial crust.  The default flavoring for creme brulee is vanilla bean.  We’ve also made raspberry and chocolate-espresso variations here on the Ice.

I snapped this photo near Yokohama Stadium one afternoon as I waited for the light to change.

Rules:  Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.  At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.  You have to tag the person who tagged you.  If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1.  I spend way too much time on the internet.  Obviously.

2.  The last time I drove a motorized vehicle was 2 days ago when I drove a ski-doo to “room with a view” situated at the base of Mt. Erebus, Antarctica’s live volcano.  I haven’t owned a car since 1996.  It was a Daihatsu.  Before that I drove around the country in a Dodge Ram van with a mattress in the back.

3.  Cycling is my favorite mode of transport.  It keeps me fit, gets me around, and is so green it hurts.  At one point I owned 4 bikes.  I’d like to do more cycle-touring.  The two months I spent in 2006 cycling the length of Laos were amazing (and I had some seriously cut legs).

4.  I can’t live the conventional life.  It hurts me to even think about it.  I probably won’t live to a ripe old age; there’s no point in living my life as if I will.  I admire others who are living life on their terms, doing the things they want to do, standing by their ideals.

5.  I’m rather surpised at how many people I know on Facebook.  My two largest networks are Antarctica and BONDst, a restaurant I helped open and worked at for 4 years.

6.  I have a romantic streak in me.  Maybe not in the traditional sense, but in that I love the little details, like the crackling sound of bread as it comes out of the oven, the smell of dirt and grass after you’ve been in Antarctica for 6 months, eating street food seasoned with road grit in some far off land.  Sunsets and puppy dogs are alright too.

7.  I love a well written book, whether it be fiction or non.  Lately I tend towards non.  Right now I’m reading “Indian Summer” by Alex Von Tunzelmann, an account of the secret history of the last days of the British empire and the partition of India.  Next will either be “China Road” about China’s version of Route 66 or “Confessions of an Economic Hit Man”.  I’m ashamed to say I still haven’t read “Omnivore’s Dilemma”.

8.  I’ve become interested in things spiritual, something inherent that hadn’t manifested until recently.  Some guiding points were a visit to the Buddhist areas of India in 2007, Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”, Thich Nhat Hanh’s “Old Path White Clouds”, and a 10-day Vipassana course in India last year.  Vipassana is amazing by the way, and I can’t recommend it highly enough.

9.  I also started doing yoga in 2007.  I would like to practice more and go deeper into the practice.  Yoga has helped my back problems immensely.  When I go to yoga I feel energized.  I have to go, or I feel sluggish, stagnant, not right. One day I may have to move to India to devote a large chunk of time to it.

10.  Travel has always been a dream and sometimes a reality.  Seeing new places and eating foreign foods in their native settings… it’s what drives me.  Some years ago I was living in San Francisco and got to feeling really down and out.  I decided I had nothing left to lose, so I took to the road, thumbing my way across the country.  All along the way, I met wonderful people, many who invited me into their homes and gave me a warm meal.  I’ll never forget that first time, the feeling of true freedom that I had.  It made me realize how easy it is to just go.  I think I must be a vagabond at heart.

11.  I once experimented a lot with drugs. (By once, I mean a decade plus.)  Those days are behind me, especially now that I work for a company that requires testing.

12.  Out of sheer luck, I was born in New York City.  It’s the greatest city in the world.  Being exposed to many cultures and growing up in the crack ’80s were influences that made me curious and street smart.

13.  I love sushi and would eat it every day if I could afford it.  Having worked in a sushi bar, I’ve had the opportunity to sample lots and lots and I’ve developed a taste for the premium stuff.  It’s hard to go back to the other side of the counter.  My hands-down favorite is good uni and the best I ever had was some local stuff at Shiro’s in Seattle.

14.  I believe people are good in general.  One observation from my travels is that people seem to be kinder the higher up into the mountains you go.  People living in remote mountain valleys of northern Pakistan were friendlier than their lowland counterparts.  The same held true in Nepal.  There is something about being high up that eases the hearts of men.

15.  I never met a noodle I didn’t like.  My first preference is noodles, my second is rice, and my last is bread.  I love ramen and pho and soup noodles in general.  When it comes to rice, I prefer Japanese or Korean short grain rice.  (Same goes for potatoes- I prefer waxy ones… higher amylopectin content.)

16.  But boy do I love baking bread… basically 4 ingredients, it can be simple, or elevated to an art and a science.  My first job out of culinary school was in an artisan bread bakery and the love of baking bread has never left me.  It is good, honest work…. (unfortunately wages are low and flour prices have tripled in the last year).

17.  On a tangent from the last note, I wish to give respect to those in the cleaning professions… the dishwashers, streetcleaners, janitors, garbage collectors.  These people are the real front lines in defending society from going down the tubes.  Seriously… nobody deserves more respect than these folks, except perhaps teachers.

18.  I’m not much of a beach person and I’m definitely not a water person.

19.  Walking the Annapurna Circuit last summer is up there amongst my great achievements.  The walk is 180 miles and took our group 18 days.  It was so awesome I’m doing it again this summer.

20.  You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear.  My favorite all purpose shoes are brown leather Pro-Keds Court Kings.

21.  I was a smoker for 17 years.  For many years before fashion or economy made it popular, I rolled my own cigarettes out of premium Dutch tobacco.  I did cut down a lot in the last 2 years that I smoked and it’s been 7 months since my last cigarette (and it had been months before that one).

22.   I’ve recently become interested in feminist thought.  I support equality.

23.  I want to take up photography again.  All of the pictures I’ve taken these past few years have been with my sturdy Fuji Finepix F10.  It just won’t die.  I need an excuse to upgrade.  I have my eye on a Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3.

24.  I don’t often have much to say, but I’m an awfully good listener.

25.  I used to dream of being a writer.  I got my first typewriter when I was 10.  Somewhere into my mid-20s I lost my way.  I swapped my pen for a camera.  They say a picture speaks a thousand words.  But sometimes you just need the words themselves.  I’m gong to find my voice again.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer